I’m sorry that I’m posting again. And I’m probably wasting your time right know, but I really want to post this  because I think you may come with a good advice… And if you don’t know how to reply… it’s good. I just hope you know what to do.

OK, in short: I have an eating disorder… I stopped eating and sporting very often… get headaches everyday, losing weight ‘till under the 40 kg… but I still thought I was fat. Then I met someone, who’s now my boyfriend, and he makes me feel so good, I found that I don’t need to lose so much weight to be wanted, to be good, to be beautiful… This period of freedom lasted five months. And now there’re a few things going on… 

First of all, the summer is close… So it’s almost time to go to the beach, swimming, laying in the sun… In a bikini! I I wanted to workout anyway. Abdominal muscles can not hurt, of course. 

But there is another thing. I have a good friend. And she’s going through the same as I did… She told us and I feel responsible for her. Because I’m the only one who knows where’s she going through. I said to her she’d to go to our mentor and she did, so I feel a little less responsible for her. 

But the problem is, she talks about it a lot. And it’s dragging me into that world again. I really want to eat less, and sport more. The urge is increasing. But I know my boyfriend don’t want me to do it again. He will worry about me, too much. And I don’t wanna lose him. So I don’t do it. But I want it so badly… but… I don’t know what to do. I’m of two minds. 

My parents don’t know about this, and I want it to be so, so I can’t go to them. So please don’t say that. All my friends know about this problem. 

Do you know what to do? I’m desperate!

(I’m sorry it’s so long… I feel really selfish now)

I get it... the feeling. This feeling. A horrible feeling. I feel so worthless. And not the way: nobody likes me or something. But the way: I can nothing.

I really hate myself. I don't hate anything so much in the world, I really don't. I hate me from the inside AND the outside. I don't understand why people like me. I'm such a bitch.

I'm not always nice to people, sometimes even selfish, DUMB! Oh, my god! I feel so dumb, really. There's literally NOTHING I am good at. And when I say nothing, I really mean nothing. I'm doing fine at school. On average. I never feel smart, or even proud of myself. I think I'm a terrible person.

I'm not good at religion, my history-knowledge is not... well, good enough... and everything in what I'm supposed to calculate or remember/using formulas... that also sucks.
I always make stupid comments. I'm not really funny. I'm bad at PE, and...

One day I thought I found something I might be good at: drawing. But no, my fantasy always lets me down. And when I look around I always can see someone who can draw cartoons like it's nothing. Just off the cuff.
Maybe I'm better at singing or something like that... well, I'd better forget about that. My voice is... not nice. Let me say is that way.

And I'm not even talking about my outside. I hate it! I hate it how I look! Every time I stand in
front of the mirror everywhere I look I see fat. My fat tummy, my fat legs... And I'm weak. I don't even can lift 5 kg/11 lbs with one hand!


OK! Enough whining... but I mean it. I really hate myself. 

I don't blog very often. I don't know why. I don't need it. I started my blog to get things of my chest. But I'm doing fine now. I don't have to complain or something. That's why I don't blog very often anymore.

So, a little update.

I'm feeling very good. I'm doing good at school. I got my grades today. It was good. No bad results. So that's good enough for me. Also I've got my prognosis today. It says ++, +, +/-, - or --. For the subjects I want to choose for next year I had only + and one +/-, so I guess that's fine.

I don't really have more problems with my eating disorder. It's like it's at a low ebb at the moment. And I like that. :D You can understand why, I think.

But one of my best friends who I know from school suffers with the same problem. She told us she's on a diet, and she says really often she feels fat and stuff. But she really isn't fat! She's skinny. Almost too skinny. I told her stories about anorexia and other eating disorders, but she says she won't go that far. But she doesn't know she's already in the unbreakable circle.
She doesn't eat much, almost nothing. And when she eats something, she feels guilty about it and sometimes she throws up.

I feel somewhat responsible for her. Because I've had this problem too. And I know how depressing it is, how sad it can make you... I don't want her to feel so bad. She doesn't deserve that. She's a good girl, and I want to help here in every single way I can.

The only problem is... I'm not the one who has to fight. That's her... And I can't do that for her. Even if I'd like to do it.

Killers can also lick

Lilly was home alone one night. Her parents were out to a dinner. Lilly was having fun that night an after she took a shower she was going to sleep. She walked downstairs to get a glass of milk when suddenly she hear a strange sound. She got scared and rushed into her bed.

After a few minutes she heard the strange noise again. She got scared and she was to afraid to check what was going on. So she put her hand underneath the bed. That was the place where her dog sleeps. When it’s safe, the dog licked her hand. Her hand was licked so she was a little bit relaxed. But the sound came again and again. And every time she put her hand under the bed, her hand was licked.

After a few times she went out of her bed to look where the strange noise was coming from. It came from the bathroom. She walked to the door and opened it. She was frightened to death. Splashes of blood hung on the wall, drops of blood lay on the ground. In a pool of blood lay her little dog. He was stabbed. Beside her deceased dog was a leaf.  The note said: killers can also lick. 

Sorry that I don't post new posts very often. I just don't know what I have to say. I mean, I used to use my weblog to complain about things in my life. But...  I don't have anything to complain about. At school everything is alright, I've got good grades. I have good friends, I never get bullied, I have the best boyfriend anyone could wish, and so on. And in terms of food everything is alright. I don't care about my weight anymore. I don't mind what we have to dinner. When we eat fries or something I used to think: 'Oh my gosh! What's going on?! I'm so in trouble now!' but now I think: 'Hmm! Fries! Nice! I like that!'
Of course it isn't totally gone. But I can't get better than this. I can't complain. Without any professional help!

Not without help, no! Of course not, but not with professional help. What my has helped me the most are my friends. Without them I would never had come this far. And of course, a big hug to my boyfriend who has been there for me even though I was such a bitch and selfish. And whenever I had a weak moment, he always knew how he would cheer me up.

And of course my friends who I know from the internet. Without there speeches I wouldn't have survived the hardest time. They perfectly know when they had to kick my ass, at those moments I really deserve that.

Thanks for that, girls!